Romancing the Bull
by DigiXBot
Summary: When Torchwick is assigned to make Adam more sane by Cinder, he ends up helping the Bull Faunus win Blake's heart. And of course, it all ends horribly wrong for them. Pure Crack!


**A Parody of one of the romantic scenes the Joker has even done (Sort of? XD).**

 **I don't own RWBY, Ten Things I Hate About You, and You're Just Too Good to be True**

 **Warning: Pure Crack, don't take too seriously**

"Can't believe I'm doing this." Roman grumbled as he marched through a White Fang camo.

Roman Torchwick was a criminal that never cared what people think of him. He manipulates, lies, cheats, and steals. So why is he walking through a camp full of people fighting for Faunus rights by terrorism? You know, the type of people who would kill him within a heartbeat.

Well, you see, he is, at the moment, a pawn for Cinder Fall, a maniac who just happens to have the powers of a Fall Maiden, as in one of the most powerful figures in legends.

So now Roman is forced to work for her at any command. And of course, one of her commands is to give counseling to Adam Taurus, leader of the White Fang, absolute hater of humans, and another one of Cinder's pawns.

Yeah, life is starting to stink for the master thief.

"My talents are the types for organized crime, not for therapy! What am I supposed to talk about anyway!"

He entered a tent and saw Adam standing over a map with markers. At the moment the bull Faunus was defining targets. He loved blowing up human property. Especially the property of those slave-driving Schnees.

His heart is always racing when he blows them up.

"Ah hem," Roman coughed. Irritation flashed on Adam's face as he looked up.

"What do you want, Torchwick."

"Oh, nothing much." The man replied nonchalantly. "Just came for your mandatory psych checkup, as ordered by Fall."

"Then tell her I don't need therapy." Adam growled. "You can just go now."

"Believe me, I would if I could." Roman grumbled. "But she is kind of right." At the bull Faunus's glare he continued. "Your activities are becoming too violent these days. Collateral damage is increasing, which means more paperwork for who, for me! And your stunts are causing many of your troops to be injured more frequently. Frankly, you're acting like a bu-" He paused at the anger on Adam's face. "An Ursa in a china shop."

"Keh, the sacrifice of few is needed for the triumph of many. Every strike at human oppression is a victory for our cause. There is nothing that can-"

"When's the last time you had sex?" Torchwick asked.

"What?" Adam growled.

"I'm sensing some sexual frustration. You probably haven't got laid recently, or at all."

"I can have sex if I wanted to!" Adam shouted, pounding his fist on the map. "They are women lining up to get in bed with me! They're impressed when I blow up trains and shit, unlike-" He stopped himself, then turned away from the man. "Nothing."

"What were you…" Roman paused when realization hit him like an inferno Zwei, and he grinned. "There's a girl you like, isn't there?"

"She's not a girl, she's a woman!" Adam corrected. ""Who is at Hunter School."

"Do tell."

"...You actually want to listen?"

"Well, no," Roman shrugged. "But if I leave before helping you with this crap, Cinder would just burn me alive. Plus, this could be entertaining for me."

"...Fair enough." Adam complied. "Anyway, her name is Blake Belladonna, she's a cat Faunus."

"Um, did she had black cat ears, and used a sheath and ribbon to fight?" Roman asked.

"Yes," Adam answered shocked. "How do you know that?"

"Ran into her a couple times. She and her team have been a thorn in my operations." He smiled at the bull faunus. "Continue."

Adam sighed. "We were childhood friends, meeting at White Fang rallies back when it was naively peaceful. She even absorbed that naivety into her, thinking that Faunus and humans can actually live in peace. I was a realist, I knew that the two races could never live together. So I took control of the White Fang, remodel the organization into a freedom force to protect our rights, then began the mission to take control of Remnant from the humans. I thought she would understand and join my vision. But Blake left, still believing that everyone can hold hands and be friends."

"What were you hoping for exactly," Roman asked skeptically. "That she would see you as a hero when you blow up a train, and then you two would have post-terrorist sex?"

Adam kept quiet for a while. "It would have been a kiss technically."

"Wow," Roman replied, but he smiled. "You know, maybe I can help you."

"You?" The bull Faunus rose an eyebrow.

"Well, before I became a master thief, I was quite the ladies man, stealing their hearts before I stole their wallets. I can give you some help. Think of it as part of a bro code."

"Why would I consider a greedy human as a brother?"

"Do you want my help or not?" Roman questioned, irritated.

Adam sighed. "Not like I have any other choice. Fine, as it's not embarrassing."

* * *

"...This is completely embarrassing!" Adam spat.

"Hey, you wanted to impress the kitty-cat." Roman retorted.

"First, don't call her that. Second, how does singing impress her?!"

Sure enough, he and Roman were standing in front of the dormitories for Beacon students that evening, with the bull Faunus holding a microphone in his hand and the master thief holding a keyboard. How they got there without any problems you may ask. Well, I'm too lazy to come up with an explanation.

"Oh, my good Faunus friend," Roman explained as Adam was seething with frustration. "Serenading is the classic approach of stealing a woman's heart."

"And how will my beloved know the song is for her?" Adam asked skeptically.

"Well, that's what Neo's for, right Neo!" He called out to a pink and white clad girl on a nearby building with a spotlight, who waved back.

Adam sighed. "Well, I'm pretty much desperate at this point."

"Great!" Roman walked to a nearby stereo and turned it on. "Neo, get the young lady's attention."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the dorms, the four girls of RWBY were fast asleep and having pleasant dreams. Ruby was dreaming of cookies, Weiss dreamt of graduating from Beacon with honors, Blake was recreating scenes from "Ninjas of Love," and Yang was dreaming of reuniting with her mom.

Those pleasantries ended when a bright light filled the room, pulling them away from Morpheus.

"My eyes!" Blake yelled, as her Faunus sight couldn't take such bright light.

"Ugh," Yang groaned as she slammed a pillow on her head. "Could someone hit the snooze for the sun, a girl needs her beauty sleep."

"What dunce flashes a bright light into someone's room!" Weiss yelled, irritated.

"Hey guys!" Unlike the others, Ruby had got out of bed and was staring out the window as soon as the light left the room. "You have to see this!"

The three other girls followed, and what they saw completely shocked them, especially for Blake.

With both covered in a spotlight, Roman Torchwick was playing a keyboard as Adam Taurus held onto a microphone.

"Adam!" Blake shouted in shock.

"And Torchwick!" Ruby added. "They must be in the music business now."

"Huh," Yang realized. "Hey Blake, isn't Adam that old friend of yours that went crazy and wants to blow up humanity."

"Yeah," she groaned. "that's the one."

"Why are they even here?" Weiss asked with her arms crossed. "And how did they even get into Beacon?"

"I think we're about to find out." Ruby replied as Adam pulled the mic to his mouth.

" _You're just too good to be true,"_ He sang. " _Can't take my eyes off of you. You'd be like heaven to the touch. I want to hold you so much."_

"Man, Blake," Yang joked as the cat Faunus covered her face in embarrassment. "You got a real admirer, he wants to make you meow."

"Oum dammit, Yang." Blake grumbled.

" _And long last love has arrived. And I thank Oum I'm alive. You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you."_

"Wow," Ruby said in awe. "He's amazing!"

"He's actually a decent singer," Weiss agreed. "For a terrorist."

The music began to intensify as Roman began playing a more upbeat tone and Adam, to everyone's horror began dancing.

Yes, the leader of the White Fang was dancing. Try to take that in.

" _I love you baby,"_ He continued to sing. " _And if it's quite alright, I need you baby, to warm the lonely nights. I love you baby, trust in me when I say."_

"Hey guys," Jaune said as he and the rest of Team JNPR entered the room. "What's going on?"

"Blake's ex-boyfriend decided to serenade her." Yang answered with a grin.

"We have never dated!" Blake protested.

"Is he singing 'Can't Take My Eyes Off of You?'" Pyrrah asked with curiosity.

"Yup!" Ruby replied cheerfully.

"This is the second time I can never see '10 Things I Hate About You' the same way ever again" Nora stated.

"Yeah," Jaune blinked. "What do mean by second time?"

"First you watch the movie," Ren explained. "Then you watch 'The Dark Knight' with Heath Ledger as the Joker, then you watch the prior film again." The stoic hunter nodded wisely. "It tends to alter your perspectives."

"Okay…"

" _Oh pretty baby, don't let me down I pray. Oh pretty baby, now that I found you stay, and let me love you, baby, let me love youuuuu…"_

"Ruby," Blake groaned. "You know those defenses you set up."

The scythe-wielder smiled innocently. "Yeah…"

"Can you turn them on."

"Sure!" Ruby ran to her's and Weiss's bed and pulled out a suitcase from underneath the Heiress's bed. Opening it revealed a sophisticated computer system parallel to the Nuclear Football. Ruby pressed a few buttons, and the dorm's roof opened up, revealing…

"Oh, shit." Roman deadpanned. A swarm of missiles was soon fired upon him and Adam, and the two ran around frantically to avoid being hit.

"What kind of school is this?!"

"And you guys laughed when I installed the defense system." Ruby grinned at her friends.

"Ruby, you wanted to install missile launchers onto the school roof," Weiss replied dryly. "In what way can we take that seriously?"

"Not now, Lieutenant Schnee, I must exterminate the intruders."

"Ruby, I'm really enjoying this right now." Blake grinned.

"Thank you, Lieutenant Belladonna," General Rose replied. "Now let me focus."

"This is all your fault!" Adam yelled as he dodged the missiles.

"My fault?!" Roman shouted back."How could I have known this could happen?"

"You should have known about of this! And tell your minion to turn off the spotlight, it's making it easier for them to hit us!"

Meanwhile, Neo pondered if she should turn off the spotlight and help the two below. Then she remembered how minimal her recent paycheck was. She decided to let Torchwick suffer for a minute. Or two, depending on her mood.

"Why isn't she responding?!" Roman shouted as he ducked from another attack.

"Dammit, both of you are useless!" Adam shouted. He pulled out a small device and pressed a button on it. "I'll fix this!"

An army of White Fang soldiers began to run across the courtyard to the dormitory. They needed to do whatever it takes to save their leader.

Oh, and the other guy too, but he was less important.

"Hey Rubes," Yang asked. "You don't have anything for massive armies, do you."

"Of course I do, Colonel Xiao-Long." She whistled, and Zwei appeared in a blink of an eye.

"Private Zwei, prepare for Operation Hot Dog!" Zwei barked in response, and Ruby pulled away her sister's "The Achieve Men" poster, revealing a small chute. "Lieutenant Schnee, the Dust!" Weiss reluctantly handed a vial of Fire Dust to General Rose, who placed it into Zwei's mouth. "Okay Private," She said in a motherly tone. "Your job is to give them hell! Are you ready," She began to pet the Corgi. "Who's a good private, you are, yes you are…"

"Ahem," Yang interrupted, grinning. "General Rose…"

"Oh, right." The scythe wielder stood up straight and pointed to the chute. "Move out!"

The White Fang managed to hold out against the missiles, and now a squadron was ready to invade the enemy base. One soldier prepped a missile launcher to destroy the hunters. However-

"Bark!" He was suddenly tackled by a small bundle of fire. He screamed in pain as his body was engulfed in flames. The other Faunus looked in horror at what can only be described as a living Hellhound...

"Bark!" Zwei was energetic. He always enjoyed playing pretend with Ruby and Yang. And now he gets to play with new friends.

The White Fang soldiers quickly ran away from the burning Corgi. Zwei blinked in confusion. He thought only Cat Faunus like Blake were tsundere about snuggles. Those Faunus didn't seem cat like. Oh well, he'll just have to give them extra snuggles.

"You sure Zwei will be okay, Ruby?" Pyrrah asked.

"Of course, Major Nikos," Ruby grinned. "Zwei is the most awesome doggy in the history of the universe. He can handle anything."

"Ooh, Ruby!" Nora raised her hand excitedly. "Can I go in?"

"Sorry Corporal Valkyrie, but we have not reached Code Pink yet."

"Aww,"

"Hey, can the security system be controlled manually?" Jaune asked.

General Rose grinned. "Wanna try?" She asked, handing the control box to the knight.

Jaune smiled with joy as he saluted. "Colonel Arc, reporting for duty, General!" He took the boss and used it to strategically aimed the missiles at the White Fang soldiers, taking out dozens of them.

"This is impossible!" Roman shouted. "Send in the Paladins!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Headmaster's office, the Oz-Luminati was watching the carnage from above.

"The fact the White Fang managed to bypass Beacon's security is a deep concern, Ozpin." Ironwood stated.

"Come on, Jimmy," Qrow joked as he drank his whiskey. "It's not a big deal if a bunch of terrorist can get their asses handed to them by a bunch of kids."

"How exactly did Miss Rose manage to install such a complex system?" Glynda asked. Everyone stared at the older scythe-wielder. "What, you think every crazy shenanigan my nieces do are because of me?"

"Yes…" Everyone replied.

"Fine, it was part of my extensive training regiment." Qrow answered nonchalantly. "Which included proper scythe repairing, ultimate Grimm killing, and hilarious Schnee irritating."

"Hmm," Ozpin sipped his coffee as he looked out the window. "James, remember when you said you were concerned about the missing Paladins?"

"Yes, what about them?"

"Take a look out the window." The Atlas General did, and he was shocked at what he saw.

"How does a two-bit crook like Torchwick manage to steal class-A military technology?!" Ironwood shouted.

"Heh heh, now what did you say about security?" Qrow quipped.

"This is not the time, Branwen!"

"Qrow, please tell me your security system included a preventive for large-assault machines?" Glynda asked, pinching her forehead.

"You bet, Glyndi," Qrow grinned. "It's basically called Ultimate Warbringer, but I think Ruby's got her own term…"

"Attention," Everyone was shocked when they heard Ren's voice coming from the school's broadcast system. "This is Sergeant Lie. We ask all of Beacon's students and faculty to remain inside, as Code Pink has been involved."

"How did he hack into the broadcast system?" Glynda questioned furiously.

"I'm a bit more concerned for what exactly Code Pink is." Ozpin stated. He got his answer really soon, as the White Fang troops below were startled as an ginger asteroid crashed into the field.

"I am Nora! Queen of the Sloths!" She raised her hammer into the air. "Feel the wrath of Maghild!" Like a Horseman of Apocalypse, she charged through the army with her hammer swinging.

"She's a demon!" A White Fang grunt shouted as the hyper ginger easily crunched a Paladin like it was a tin can.

"Ahh!" Roman screamed as he was lit up by a fire-snuggle.

"My legs!" Adam shouted in pain after being flung into a wall.

"Muah ha ha ha!" Nora laughed maniacally.

"General Rose." Blake grinned.

"Yes, Lieutenant Belladonna." Ruby replied.

"It was an honor working alongside you." She and the others saluted their wise and cookie-loving general.

* * *

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Cinder yelled at her two subordinates.

Adam was sitting in a wheelchair as his legs were still broken. Roman on the other hand was in a full body cast, still being treated for Third-Degree burns.

"I told you to get him under control!" She shouted at the master thief, who groaned in response. "Instead, you decided to go singing and got beaten up by a corgi!"

"On the bright side, it was rather entertaining." Emerald quipped. She, Mercury, and Neo were watching the scene with enjoyment. Neo herself was eating ice cream as Cinder continued her rant.

"We have lost resources and men that can't be easily replaced, and for what?! A Bull Faunus that had unrequited love issues! What do you have to say for himself?!"

"... I don't want to talk about it." Adam groaned. Roman muttered an agreement.

"Hey, you singing and getting beat up by a girl was hilarious." Mercury chuckled. "You guys are trending on Dust Tube now, thanks to me." He stopped laughing when Cinder glared at him. "I'll shut up now."

 **Review and favorite if you enjoy. DigiXBot is out, peace!**


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